I snapped at Gordy today because he “interrupted” me while I was having a cooing moment with Loosa after that spotted little pony gave me the gift of a good ride. Wait, it gets better. The alleged “interruption” was to tell me about the two barn projects he had completed, special little touches that I had only just asked for.
I can be territorial about my space — physical and mental/emotional. Even if my guard is not up, it can snap up in an instant. It’s the dog I let out the door first, the one that barks. Territorialism does not cultivate kindness of spirit. I think it is instead an indication of how far away I am from where I want to be. When I validate an underlying defensive or negative emotion, unkindness is easier and feels somehow justified — at least in the moment. But it is not without consequence; that almost immediate toxic hangover I experience, the regret and apology for being, well, me.
I would like to learn to be kind to myself, to have discussions with the defensive and territorial parts of me and say, hey, we’re old and getting older. This shit is not really that useful to us anymore. Let’s plant a garden of something new.