My timid little blog has been sitting idle. One month has stretched to two and now three have passed without a single completed effort on my part. Oh sure, inspiration knicks me in the ear, but it is too easily pushed aside for other, more practiced and practical actions. Dogs and horses and house and sewing machines have more command over my motivation than the keyboard. Plus, Gordy is traveling less, home more, which means I have him to talk to, to be my sounding board: Less angst equals less writing. It was time to admit it — this “writing thing” was just a phase. Close it down. Posting pictures on Instagram and Facebook would have to be enough expression of whatever it is needing my expressing.
Still, I have hung in this indefinite space of inaction, not because I think my blog is that important, but because I wasn’t sure I was ready for another good-bye, not after Andante. Her death, or rather, the loss of her life in my world, has made me fragile and vulnerable to the smallest sea change. Best not to self-inflict more loss. Best to hold onto what I have, just in case.
Just in case….of what?
I spoke with someone extraordinary yesterday, unexpectedly, and it brought that answer into sharp focus: I am still searching. I am still trying to find Jubilee, which is to say I am on the hunt for those experiences that enable life’s light to shine into my broken heart. I want more feelings of emotional resonance, not just with animals (which I always seek), but with humans (which is infinitely more complicated). This blog was me, dropping a hook into the currents of human attention, hoping to fish out a connection, not based on a shared interest in amusing animal pictures (though I lean on them heavily), but on a exchange of emotional resonance — the rare, but precious, thoughtful disclosure made by someone I hardly knew in response to something I’d written that says “I have walked this path”.
I don’t know how to get there from here, not exactly, but my thought is this: I will write it as a question. I will write it begging for your response, your thoughts, your kind and intimate revelations of how that question walked through you. I will hope that you are as brave as I am foolish; that you will respond and we can “talk” and that a beautiful collective wisdom will raise up on these pages. I need you. Are you there?